Ugly Dad has recently made an important life decision. See, I decided I needed a thing. A thing of my own. My own thing. I want to build an identity around something, like people do with church or family, but I want to build it around something low key kooky.
I just punned your ass and you didn’t even know it.
See, I’m into doors now. You read that right. I’m a door enthusiast. If it’s meant for something to enter and/or exit, that’s what I’m about now. Get me a set of salt and pepper shakers that look like doors because I need to post the pics all over social media so everyone knows how much of a door guy I am now. I want people to see a post about a door and think about me because I’m the door guy. So without further blah blah blah I give you Ugly Dad’s Top X Doors.
1. Car Doors
Car doors are great. Not only do they keep you from spilling out of your car and onto the road, but if you are Mel Gibson in Lethal Weapon II you can use it as a weapon to murder one of the guys responsible for your new South African girlfriend’s death.
You should not open the car door while you’re riding in a car though.
Here’s that part from Lethal Weapon 2 I mentioned. Car doors man, their great.
2. The Polka Dot Door
This show man. I’m probably dating myself but I remember liking this show. Perhaps it’s responsible for my love of doors? I don’t know. You tell me.
Wasn’t that some door? I realized upon rewatching this that it’s Canadian and I have a soft spot for Canadian children’s programming. Probably because that was 90% of Nickelodeon’s content those early years. Remember YCDTOT?
Fuck, I’m old.
3. A Trap Door Spider’s Door
Don’t go knocking on this bad ass door. Not unless you want to be lunch you idiot! But seriously, you’re too big. It’s a bad ass door though.
4. The Scary Door
I love Futurama almost as much as I love doors, so it’s only appropriate that I steal their content for this list. This is an homage to that “twilighty show about the zone.”
5. Trapdoors (not the spider kind)
I wanted to find a video of a real trapdoor in action, but it’s difficult because instead of trap doors that lead to crocodile pits or a secret dungeon, it’s all secret entrances to wine cellars and junk like that. So here’s the best trapdoor of all time.
There it is. A top X list about doors. The sad thing is that writing this list has stripped away all the enthusiasm I had for them. They’re just not the same. Doors these days, am I right? They’ve gone too commercial, I mean, they have them at Home Depot now. I liked it better when doors were my thing. Like how jerks feel when their favorite unknown band becomes a known band, that’s how I feel about doors. Maybe I’ll give windows a try.
So that’s it I suppose. Please leave. And don’t slam the door on your way out.